Letting Go

I recently started painting, just for fun and for a calming exercise to quiet my head.

Next to none of my paintings have turned out the way I meant them to. I have these great feelings and visions before I start - I know the emotions I want to express, I envision how to express them and in my mind's eye, it's perfect Then I plan; what type of paint should I use, which brushes, how I should start my base coat, what size canvas do I need, what will it turn out like, how will it make me feel, how will others feel about it. All of these wonderings run through my mind. Yet deep down (or high up), somewhere, a quiet voice that I know as my own, chuckles lovingly. This voice knows that this painting isn't going to manifest like any of the plans I made. Regardless, I grow attached to my vision. I invest in the feelings and emotions that I've assigned to it. It is mine; I proceed.

Once or twice the painting will be as I envisioned. I'll be pleasantly surprised and secretly pleased with myself; I did this, my plan worked. I admire my work as I walk past it in my home over the next few days. Then the next idea seeds and grows and flourishes, and, with more confidence I hatch my plans for the next idea that grows in my heart.

Not surprisingly, this painting never turns out. When I step back form the canvas, I feel that immediate pang as I look. It's not what I had held onto in my heart for the past many hours or days, and I'm devastated. In that moment I want to cry for the hours of what feels like wasted time and wasted hope. I store those paintings in a corner for days or months. Looking at those canvases is like looking into the face of something I fear. I fear the disappointment in my heart. I'm afraid to face them because I know I will have to feel, and I don't want to feel hurt and failure. Days will go by and I'll not acknowledge it exists. Sometimes I'll steal a glance. Other days I'll sit, stare, and wonder- what IS this.

There's a battle that happens inside me. I know I have to let go of my expectation, hope and desire for this creation, I have no choice. Not unless I want to start over, but that's not the point of it all. That's not creative. That's not flow. That is my disappointment pulling me away from the Inspiration and the spark that pushed me to pick up the brush to begin with at that point I'm chasing my own ego and forcing what wasn't meant to exist. So, I have to let go even though I so don't want to. I had a plan! It was my plan, my idea, my love - and I'll never see it come to fruition.

Then I let go. Truly. Sometimes I have to force myself to say it repeatedly despite the disappointment I feel. It's not mine, it wasn't meant to be, it's not mine, nothing is mine... Shukar hai... Repetition, repetition, despite how low I feel. At this point, the goal is to tell myself enough times so as to distract myself. Eventually, I'll believe it and feel it. It's not mine, Shukar hai. Then: am I ready to look at this with a fresh set of eyes and an open heart? Am I ready to accept this for what it is and appreciate the opportunity it presents? Patience. Don't rush. Let it come. Be still. Observe. Accept. When the time is right, it will happen. And then in an instant, as quickly as a drop falls, I know. As soon as I open myself and am ready to accept the flow, it's there. But as soon as the drop falls, it's gone, a part of the many drops from which it came, so I have to be ready to see it and feel it and recognize it. It is only then I can see that painting for what it was meant to be.

Once that dangerous, painful cord is cut, I'm able to look at it all again with new and accepting eyes - because let's be honest, until that false bond is severed, I will never let go. I'm pleasantly surprised, because what ended up presenting itself was better than what I had hoped and seen in my mind's eye at the start. This realization is a huge relief. In that moment I'm grateful for the opportunity to see something more unique and interesting than I had seen for myself. I'm also grateful for being saved from my own self and from the limited plans I had at the beginning. It's a special, giving moment between the Inspiration and me.

So, let go. This is not you. This is not your plan. Do your best, do your duty and let the true plan be revealed. Have faith. When your painting is not what you expect, accept it for what it is, love it anyways. Do not cry for what never was or what was never meant to be. When your heart hurts, when you are falling, when you are confused or lost and you cannot see... STOP. Let go. It is not yours to control or yours to worry about. The real plan, the best plan, will be revealed - be ready and be excited.

RS